I can't help it; I want to be a BIG frog in a small pond. I am sick and tired of being “just one of the smart” Democrats, when I have a chance to be “the onliest smart Republican”
Yes, it's a mixed honor, being the last of a dying breed- who wants to be the last white rhino, or the final remaining mountain gorilla?- but still, it IS a dsitinction.
Before I finalize this step, let's go over the list and see if I might be making a mistake. Maybe there is one out there already-a smart Republican. Come below the fold and let's see what we find.
Nominee #1. Michele Bahmann reacting in anger, told a crowd of her supporters (now, THERE'S some geniuses) that the US should immediately withdraw our diplomats and close our embassy in Teheran. Good idea, Michele. Have someone on your staff reseach that for you and find out how many long, long, loooonnnngggg years it has been since we had an embassy in Iran. ELIMINATED
Nominee #2. Gov. Rick Perry (R-Tx) addressed a young group of Republicans and told them to run right out and vote when they turn 21, even though the voting age is 18. He also asked them to vote the week after the actual election. Previously can't remember what it is that he hates about our current gummint, but by Gawd, he knows he hates it anyway. ELIMINATED
Nominee #3. Herman Cain (The Godfather). In the interest of delicacy, let me just whisper this to him, man-to-man. “Herman, it's an election campaign, not an erection campaign.” And talking to a woman who is not your wife and whom your wife doesn't even know at 4:00 in the morning- and doing it 61 times in 4 months, is not explainable by saying 9-9-9, and smirking. Doesn't work! Keep squirmin' Herman! ELIMINATED
Nominee#4 Jon Huntsman. This is the hardest on the surface, but actually the easiest. Proving that Huntsman is not smart proves to be impossible, but a casual search reveals that, by today's standards, HE IS NOT A REPUBLICAN. No more need be said. ELIMINATED.
Nominee #5 Rick Santorum. Combines the likeability and warmth of Ric Scott with the doctrinal purity of Pat Robertson. Believes in the death penalty of anyone who isn't Rick Santorum. Besides, are you sure he's even running? ELIMINATED
Nominee #6 Ron Paul, (R- Atlas Shrugged, Tx) Poor Ron. This is a man who firmly believes that gummint should do nothing, never at any time, to help anybody. But, since he is also a sentient human being, he cannot bring himself to agree with the natural effect of his own beliefs, : death, pestilence, polluted poisonous water and air, etc. which leaves him floundering and confused everytime he faces his own credo. His DOGMA got run over by his KARMA, leaving him ELIMINATED
Nominee#7 Willard Mitt Romney. Romney is only technically a Republican, since he has held positions from the Know-nothings to the Whigs and Socialists and every twig in between. This is a man who admits that he obeys the law only when “I'm running for office, for Pete's sake”. This is a man whose campaign hinges on attacking a health care plan that he himself designed, implemented and bragged about until two years ago. This is a man whose natural constituency is Michigan, where his father was governor, but cements that loyalty by saying that Michigan should have been allowed to go bankrupt two years ago, To be honest, I'm not sure he is stupid,and until he stands still for a few minutes, we can't really find out. I can say that if he is running for office for Pete's sake, he'd better hope there's a lot of “Petes” out there. ELIMINATED
Nominee #8 Newt (definition- a small reptile living in swamps and under rocks) Gingrich R-Ga. Newt was the Speaker, then found it more profitable to be a speaker, at $60,000 a speech. Newt has sold “Citizen of the Year” awards to anyone who would fork up $5000, including a Dallas strip joint. Newt has maintained a $500,000 revolving charge account at Tiffany's and took time off from his campaign to do a Greek Islands cruise with his lovely current wife. Oh, about her. She was acquired after a lengthy affair- after he disposed of his second wife, who was acquired after a lengthy affair and his first wife, who is just glad he is gone. But his crowning glory as a brilliant Republican came when he announced that any politician who had anything to do with those bad boys at FreddieMac and Fannie Mae should go to prison. He said this just before it was revealed that he received $1.8 million dollars from yeah-that's right, Fannie and Freddie. Rumor has it that the brain of this Newt is full of brilliance, but unless and until he is able to guide that brilliance into his flicking little reptilian tongue, he is ELIMINATED.
So- without further ado (or adieu), I announce my inevitable campaign for the Republican Party nomination for President of these 54 United States. I cannot wait to ascend the steps of the White House in New York, or Philidelphia or whatever and proceed to repeal the Obamacare and overturn the Supreme Court and look for Lybia and recall our ambassador from Usbecka-becka-becka-stan-stan. For while I cannot see Russia from my home in Alabama, I can see Georgia and my advisors tell me that is a country near Russia, so I'm good. “PIGGIEHEART FOR PRESIDENT- THE OINK HEARD 'ROUND THE WORLD!”