(Last day of our “greatest hits of 2010” series. A teenager reminds us that political obsession affects family members. She is very, very glad that 2011 is an off-year! – promoted by countrycat)
In 2008, my mom, Countrycat, and I went to Iowa to campaign for John Edwards. When we arrived at the headquarters, the perky, happy manager of the headquarters told us we were assigned to the one job neither of us were cut out for: Phone calls. She told us IN A REALLY HAPPY VOICE, that we were to call people and “Ask them to send a vote John Edwards’ way in the caucus!!!” Our twitching eyes and the foam dripping from the sides of our mouths made her nearly trip over her Reeboks trying to get away from us.
After a little bit of moral support from my equally reluctant mother, I finally dialed my first number. As soon as I said the words “caucus” and “John Edwards”, the woman who answered went into hysterics. I tried to apologize for setting off a nervous breakdown triggered by John Edwards’ name, when she screeched in a tone that would make a banshee pee herself: “YOU ARE RUINING MY FAMILY LIFE. DON’T CALL BACK.”
She paused for a second, possibly thinking of ways to kill me and simultaneously bringing scenes from Psycho into my head, and then hung up abruptly.
At the time, I thought she was insane, I now understand.
The Top 3 Reasons Why I Hate Ron Sparks & Parker Griffith:
1.First it was Parker Griffith, but now Ron Sparks has managed to turn my home life into a living hell. “YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH” is going to turn out to be the most used phrase in our home since the Bush administration. At first, I wondered where she was digging up this impressive vocabulary. The answer was simple: King Cockfight. The true level of discourse in a household can be measured when King Cockfight is a prime source of entertainment. (No offense to my favorite blogger).
On a side note, since Sparky is to be out of the job, I would like to nominate Carter Cockfight for Agricultural Commissioner.
“HORSE STEAK IS GOOD. FUN TO RIDE, FUN TO EAT.”
There are no words wiser.
2. Sparks is disrupting my sleep and invading my dreams.
Last night, I realized I hadn’t gotten to sleep on time in a month because of Griffith and Sparky. My mom and dad are now not just calling Griffith a “LYING SON OF A BITCH”, but now they can laugh at Sparks’ press releases. He’s also invading my dreams: this one seems to summarize his campaign:
I was at Big Spring Jam and Sparky was looking at some hamburgers. And he looked over at me and said: “Those are expensive and I have no idea what I’m doing here!”
Ever since we got a poll from Parker Griffith, my mom is always ready by the phone hoping for another poll to come our way. I keep telling her that she and Mooncat are probably stamped, branded, & blacklisted, but she just won't listen.
When she's not waiting for a poll, she's donating my college fund to Josh Segall. I mean, if I called asking for $500, she'd give me the “I'm going to have you killed.” stare that all mothers seem to share.
Apparently, if I ever want money, I'm going to have to run for office.
Why Artur Davis is the better option:
-He doesn’t inhabit my dreams
-When I hear him talk, I’m not distracted by his ‘stache.
-He doesn’t make my home life a living hell, however, Countrycat and Mooncat spend time grumbling about not getting their cut of money that’s supposedly being handed out to bloggers. They aren’t getting any from Davis: not even a nice refreshing glass of Blue-Raspberry Kool-Aid.
Please Sparky & Griffith, stop doing stupid s***.
My house is starting to have the faint whiff of brimstone.